I am not who I am, I am where I am.

Dear you,

I think I’ve spent the better part of my life being nudged in different directions.  From school, to work, to my friendships, to my sexuality, to my family, everything has been so controlled.  I feel like my life is a consequence of other people’s decisions and a matter of circumstance rather than anything to do with me.  I often sit back in my seat and think to myself, “Nothing could have changed this.  Anyone who wore my shoes would have walked to this same spot. I am not who I am, I am where I am.”

I’ve also spent the better part of my life becoming okay with this, mostly.  It’s allowed me to avoid so many of the things I’m so scared of, and should be doing.  It’s allowed me to avoid life as I know it.  It’s given me an excuse, if you’d rather, and I am okay with this.  It’s not that I’m set on not doing any of these things that normal kids do, its that I haven’t felt ready.  I guess also apart of becoming okay with all of this is that I’ve become so controlling over the things I DO participate it - my relationships, any clubs I’ve been in, or even any work projects I become involved in.

I don’t think I’m afraid that you’re going to be so close, but I think I’m afraid of what that might mean. It means that we aren’t a matter of if or even when, anymore.  We’re just…an inevitability.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind the prospect, I just mind that it seems out of my control.  I feel like this is now out of my control.  We are out of my control.

That’s scary.  And that’s why you are scary.  

See you soon,

Me.