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I am not who I am, I am where I am.

Dear you,

I think I’ve spent the better part of my life being nudged in different directions.  From school, to work, to my friendships, to my sexuality, to my family, everything has been so controlled.  I feel like my life is a consequence of other people’s decisions and a matter of circumstance rather than anything to do with me.  I often sit back in my seat and think to myself, “Nothing could have changed this.  Anyone who wore my shoes would have walked to this same spot. I am not who I am, I am where I am.”

I’ve also spent the better part of my life becoming okay with this, mostly.  It’s allowed me to avoid so many of the things I’m so scared of, and should be doing.  It’s allowed me to avoid life as I know it.  It’s given me an excuse, if you’d rather, and I am okay with this.  It’s not that I’m set on not doing any of these things that normal kids do, its that I haven’t felt ready.  I guess also apart of becoming okay with all of this is that I’ve become so controlling over the things I DO participate it - my relationships, any clubs I’ve been in, or even any work projects I become involved in.

I don’t think I’m afraid that you’re going to be so close, but I think I’m afraid of what that might mean. It means that we aren’t a matter of if or even when, anymore.  We’re just…an inevitability.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind the prospect, I just mind that it seems out of my control.  I feel like this is now out of my control.  We are out of my control.

That’s scary.  And that’s why you are scary.  

See you soon,

Me.

On God

I guess I have a weird perception of God, because of a lot of things, things I won’t go into, but even though there were bouts of time where I didn’t believe, I certainly do now. I could go into the many rhymes and reasons for my faith, but I don’t think this is the time or the place. I know that I have no concrete proof of his existence but that doesn’t mean I have any doubt in my faith. That said, I don’t pin down my faith in any particular religion - not because I doubt the value or the altruism of any of them, but because I can’t get myself to commit to any single one.

I guess what’s also true is that while I’m aware and completely sure in my conviction that a God does exist, I’m almost completely sure that he’s a kind God. I don’t think that the great being or beings that created us somehow expect us to be their servants and worship them all day. I think God would expect respect, and you to simply, have good intentions. I think of him as a father, really. Picture yourself as a father, you wouldn’t expect your children to be your servants, but at the same time you would hope you could teach them to be good people, not only for yourself, and their own good, but because of the betterment of society. Even when a child ISN’T always good, would that make you love them any less? Of course I’m sure anyone would bring up the example that parents do and SHOULD punish their children when they do something wrong, but I don’t think any parent would want their children to go through the pain of hell. And then there’s the example that for some people, this life is hell, but I will address this later.

And, yes, that’s a bit scaled down approach of the whole God-Subject relationship, but scale it up, and it adds a lot of complexity. I think the first thing to note is just how many children he has to look after! Of course he’s not human so his ability is obviously more than ours, but for some reason I can’t imagine any being to be centered on every single one of us, not because it seems undoable, but because it seems so horribly inefficient, and that’s not something I characterize with someone who has as much power as he does. 

Someone here, I think andrew, gave a really good metaphor one time for how we see the world and how God sees it, and it’s really truly always stuck with me, and I tell it to a lot of different people when it comes up.. Basically it goes back to the sunday comics you read when you were a kid. If you put your nose to the paper and looked really close you could see all the comica were made up of little dots or varying sizes and colors - it was just how the printers worked back then. Imagine us as those dots. To us, we see only a limited view of things. Any two dots, even in the same panel of the same comic) may see two very different things - all yellow dots around them, or all small dots,. I think that’s the way we look at the world we look at and make our judgements about existance through that - and why shouldn’t we?! If we can’t go off our experiences than what CAN we go off of? But I think it’s all a bit misleading because take your nose away from the paper and you can see that the whole world isn’t just yellow dots, or small dots, it’s so much more. We can never take our noses away from the comic that is life, but I think HE can. I think he has a purpose for us all, and I think you’re part of that because he wanted you to be the way you were because if you weren’t the picture would be slightly off. This is the way I get myself to be okay with things like death and natural disasters and such.

I guess that leads to what I’m really trying to say- if God DID create you, than why would he create something he didn’t approve of? The being with the ability to create LIFE as we know it… screwed up? I don’t think that’s true. I don’t think any of us are screwups and I don’t think any of us are not how God intended. I don’t think he’s shortsighted enough to know what any of us will become. If there is a God, he knows everything, and isn’t sort of haphazard about it. That said, I think there IS true evil in the world. I don’t believe, however, believe that even evil people don’t have a purpose. Everyone’s a dot, do what you feel is right and good so you can continue to be the best dot you can be. That’s really all any of us can hope for, in my opinion.

(Source: forums.sadface.org)

On Relaxation

Relaxing has always been a weird, if not intangible, thing for me.  Personally, I don’t understand how people do it.  I guess for me, relaxation is the ability to do nothing, but that’s just so hard to do.  How do you do nothing?  Is that even possible?  I guess you could stare at the ceiling some but even then that’s still something.  Is it possible to do nothing?  Do people do nothing successfully?

I just got back from a relaxing vacation.  There’s really only three types of vacations - events, visiting, and relaxing.  Event vacations are when you visit for the holidays, or to attend a wedding or something.  Visiting vacations are when you visit specifically to visit something or someone, either a family a family member or some sort of landmark.  Then there’s the relaxing vacations, which you go on just to get away from everything in the world, even yourself sometimes.

I guess this vacation was supposed to be relaxing.  I’m not saying it wasn’t - it was, definitely, but it was definitely meant to be so from the get-go.  White sand beaches, tall crooked palm treas, and waves as crazy as a whole foods cashier - isn’t that the poster child of relaxing?  Everyone there would spend days out on the beach just watching the waves inch up closer and closer, laying on benches, with a pina colada.

I guess what I don’t get is WHY it was relaxing.  I didn’t do anything more than stare at the waves, which I guess isn’t really too much more activity than staring at the ceiling.  My thoughts were the same, thinking about work and other things, yet i do feel refreshed.  Was it the weather?  The drinks?  Was it just the fact that even though I can worry about work, i’m physically incapable of actually DOING any work?

I think I’ve settled on the idea that’s its the water - I love water, and there’s just something about the way water moves and thunders as it rolls up a sandy beach that really…gets you.  Also, part of it really is the vast emptiness water represents when you’re at places like this - you look out for miles and miles and there’s nothing but water, and sure you can swim a few feet, but really, you’re stranded there until the plane comes to get you.  It’s almost comforting that you’re being abandoned, and left alone - but I guess I always was a loner.

Anonymous asked: were you behind a mask?

yes

Person Type: The Perpetual Victim

I have a good amount of friends, sure I could stand to have more, but what I lack in quantity, I make up for in quality, I like to think.  But the number always changes; friends come and they go, its hard to be very diamond when you’re just a friend, because no matter what you do, you’re never going to be forever.  I’ve lost a lot of friends, but really, that’s not a consequence of me, its really just a consequence of having friends.

I can’t say for sure why I come across perpetual victims so often, but I know that I do.  Every couple of years they make an appearance among my friends, and usually it never ends well.  It all starts with a simple argument carried out like pamela anderson’s boobs, blown out of proportion, and taken too far.  Then of course, you have the rehashing of the events, a careful examination of what happened on both sides.  Next, however, is what sets the perpetual victim apart from the average person - they begin to take the stance not only that you are wrong but that you did this to them.

Think of it as when you were a child, and you would get into an argument over something ridiculously inconsequential with a sibling or a friend, say over a twizzler.  Well, say it leads to a tug of war over the said twizzler, in a very literal sense of the word - you on one end, and your friend on the other end of the candy, actually pulling.  As both of you pull harder, one of falls and the twizzler falls into the grass, now inedible.  The perpetual victim, in this case, wouldn’t just be mad over a silly twizzler, but would be insistent that you did it on purpose just so they wouldn’t have the twizzler.  They would become the victim.

A perpetual victim does this in every argument in every situation simply because people respond to it, and cave in so easily - you don’t want someone to think you did something personally against them, do you?  My parents, for instance, don’t do this very often, but they always became a victim when it came to poor grades.  ”I can’t believe you did this to me.”  I didn’t do anything to you.  It wasn’t about you, I just didn’t get good grades.

I will take the time now to admit, in most arguments, blame is to be had on both sides, and that really all arguments are, are misunderstandings.  However, they are necessary if you wish to live in a world where there were no people. That said, we would all be better off in a world where there were no perpetual victims.

Lying

People on the internet lie.  There’s no doubt about it - they just do.

I’ve been on the Internet for awhile.  I know that seems so arbitrary since everyone’s been on awhile, but really it’s quite true, in a capacity that it isn’t for a lot of people. I haven’t just visited the Internet like a daily vacation home in Key West, or viewed it like a television show - on the contrary it’s been my home for awhile. So, when I say it, it comes from experience - people on the internet lie.

I guess it’s really no surprise that they do considering the internet is really equal opportunity in the truest sense of the word - people are forced to take you on your word before anything else.  You can name (and lie about) any number of factors - education, age, ethnicity, weight, sexuality - and get away with it.  The internet is the biggest mask in the world.

Of course the other side of it is, is that you can get away with virtually anything on the internet - people fake what they look like, their age, their gender, their sexuality, they make up entire families, and even worse than that, fake relationships - and yet, when the lie stops, they can just delete their blog, or AIM name, or their Skype name, or anything else and just move on to the next.  I have to say, that’s a huge stark difference from real life.  You can always lie in real life, but it’s much harder to run away from the repercussions.

Relationships

I’ve never been in a relationship before.  At one point, I though I was really close to being in one, but now, looking back, I see that I was still really far.  I know I’m not unlikeable, I don’t think I’m too unattractive, and I don’t think my personality sucks.  I know I could go get a boyfriend or girlfriend of some sort right now if I really wanted to, but I guess the point is, is that I don’t.

Well, I do, but I don’t.  I want one, but I’m going to wait.  I don’t know how long, but I know it’s something coming up in the next year or so, maybe next few months.  I told Aubrey this once but I was always alone, but I never felt lonely. Ever since july I’ve been feeling lonely.  I just think it’s about time I get rid of that feeling - it’s not a feeling I’m particularly fond of.

I have to say, though, the whole prospect stresses me out.  I mean a relationship is complicated even at it’s best.  I may be a romantic, but I don’t expect things to be easy or go smoothly no matter how much I want them to.  I know, for instance, I will constantly be comparing myself to them(a fault of mine, I know) - do they weigh less, do they have a better body, do they work out more, do they dress better, do they make more money, do they have more friends?  I mean these are all admittedly superficial things, but I know I’ll worry about them.  I don’t expect the non-superficial things to be a problem, to be quite honest, but that may just be my naivete coming into play.  

God only knows, we’ll see what happens.

I hate gay people.

The first reason this sucks is because I am gay, and so by default this means I hate myself, but in actuality I am okay with myself.  I mean, sure, there are days where I’m mean to me and I would rather be around anyone other than me, but for the most part I feel pretty meh about me.  But I guess I hate myself. Oh.

The second reason this sucks is because there’s no way to make a blanket statement like that without endorsing or taking at least SOME stereotypes into consideration.  I like to think I’m above this, that I actually hate all gay people, because I haven’t met a single one that I don’t find slightly annoying in some way.  But I guess I might just hate people.  Who knows.

The third reason this sucks is because I have to marry one, one day.  That’s gonna suck.

Goodnight

What is hope?  Are we talking a systematic denial of reality?  Foolishly blind optimism in an unknown future, expecting things to change on their own, to fix themselves, if we turn our cheeks to our problems and wish them away?  Or are we talking about the forceful belief that we can go on another day?  That if we try hard enough, if we work hard enough, tomorrow WILL be a better day?  Is hope that very same cave we take refuge in when we are both scared of what tomorrow might bring, but also forces us to live another day, hoping each day is better than the last, because knowing it isn’t would be too much to bare?  Is it that wind at our backs and the sting in our feet?  Or is it nothing at all but a lullaby we sing ourselves to help us sleep at night?